when you laugh, your blood jiggles

i had a patient wednesday thursday morning (what goddamn day is it, anyway? meh. who cares?) who was very nervous about having his blood drawn. he’s never had a good experience, he says. now, since we all know what a type-a, over-acheiver i can be, i was determined to make it a good time. i joke with him, i only have to stick him once, we get blood on the first go-round. this is a regular event, sure. but it’s extra important when your patient is skittish.

i say something that makes him laugh. and i’m staring at the container i’m filling with his blood, and it’s rippling. so i say, ‘hey! when you laugh, your blood jiggles.’ which makes him laugh more, which makes his blood jiggle more.

so. there you go.

kid: (this is his first time giving blood for any reason) so, this is like a shot, right?

me: kinda, yeah. except i’m taking instead of giving. (i tie the tourniquet)

kid: hey, that kinda hurts.

me: well, the doctor also asked us to take one arm. it’s okay; it’ll grow back.

kid: really? no, wait. really?

a moment later. same kid.

kid: is there something wrong with my blood? why is it red?

me: what color is it supposed to be?

kid: uh… blue. everyone knows your blood is blue.

and… same kid. he was a crack-up.

kid: wow, you’re taking a lot of blood.

me: didn’t they tell you? i’m taking all of it.

kid: (laughs) no way!

me: way. we drain you of blood, so the doctor can see your insides. it’s easier that way.

(we’re both quiet for a moment)

kid: huh. that makes sense. so… does that mean i’ll be as white as you when i leave?

me: you’ll be whiter.

kid: like michael jackson?

seriously.

another lab lady: did you get a close-up look at that patient?

me: the guy that just left? no.

lab lady: well, he forgot to wash off his eyeliner.

me: hm?

lab lady: yeah, he had glittery blue eyeliner on! i mean, can you imagine?

me: wow. he should be wearing brown.

(all four of the lab ladies stop and stare at me)

me: what? blue doesn’t suit his skin tone.

(pause)

me: did i ever mention that i roomed with two drag queens when i was in college in san francisco?

and finally,

me: (making conversation because i have to take a LOT of his blood) so, your daughter is a nurse?

patient: yes. the second-to-oldest is.

me: wow. so, can i ask how many kids you have?

patient: yes. i have ten.

me: (blank stare. then i look at his paperwork to remind myself how old he is) (he’s two years older than my mom, yo) wow. ten kids? that seems like a lot of work.

patient: they are good kids.

me: how many boys, and how many girls?

patient: seven boys, three girls. three grandchildren. (he smiles. he is really proud of his family)

me: seven boys? you coulda had your own basketball team!

patient: yeah! with alternates!

me: so… any great-grandchildren?

patient: oh, no. my oldest grandchild is only four.

me: oh. you have a few years then.

crazy, y’all. ten kids. i wanted to ask how his wife felt about ten kids, but it felt inappropriate, somehow.

thanks for stopping by.