inside my head, there’s a voice that says stuff like, if you say that out loud, then it totally makes it true. i must be twelve years old or something. that’s right up there with stepping on cracks truly breaking your mother’s back. meaning, it feels silly to think such things. i should be good with silly. it seems to be my primary operating mode.
meanwhile, back at the ranch…
so, the vet and i were dating, knowing full well that he was changing states at the end of october. i figured it was no big deal. i’m a fan of road trips and airports. and while i’m not thrilled about a long distance relationship, i was willing to take it for a test drive. but, the weekend before he was supposed to be moved, he decided that what he really wants is a good christian girlfriend.
i am many things. a fundamentalist christian is not one of those things.
i’m not going to sit here and tell y’all i wasn’t hurt. i didn’t cry a river or anything, but i do feel a bit craptastic about the whole thing. he was very casual about it. starting with, well, i’ve thought about this, and i think that blah blah blah, i might have my head wedged firmly up my tuckus. i don’t take rejection very well. and even though it wasn’t technically a rejection… it was a rejection.
yes, i’m getting to the point.
since i’ve been back from california, i’ve had no interest in going out. at all. if i could stay at home watching DVD’s and knitting for the rest of my life, i think i’d be okay with that. and that can’t be right. i’m well aware that after a relationship ends, it’s pretty normal to either go out every night of the week, or lock yourself in your house and eat your body weight in cheetos. i’m somewhere in between the two. after work, i go to the gym, run my errands, then go home and eat a sandwich. maybe some popcorn. i read, i knit, i listen to the radio. and i don’t give a damn about the outside world. which is maddening to me, sitting here at work. because it’s taken me a good long time to come out of my little shell. and now, a few words from a guy with a crew cut and i’m ready to go right back in. if i thought that stamping my foot and saying, “it isn’t FAIR!” would get me out of this self-imposed hermitude… well, i’d stamp my foot, then.
essentially, i have a deep-down urge to keep everyone at arm’s length. there’s a long and involved reason for this, but the cliff notes version is, i don’t trust people in general because of a few specific crappy people. a few rotten apples and all that. somewhere in my brain, it seems totally logical to just stay home. that way, i don’t have to endure people inadvertently ripping me to shreds. and i can think that maybe i’m wrong, and people really are decent at their core.
i have more to say on this topic, but i’m at work. and continuing on this path is just gonna make me cry.
but thanks for stopping by.
lady, i had no idea. i’ve got to start reading your blog more often so i don’t prattle on about bullshit all through a meal without knowing your stuff and things. WTF. and stuff.
based on his reasoning, and i use the word “reasoning” lightly, you totally dodged a bullet. i’m done killing myself to meet the expectations of someone who is at least as screwed up as me, if not more. consider this your official invitation to the club. you’re fantastic. let’s go drink something blue and get our toenails done.
i think you need to come visit seattle in dec if you want to come to a fabulos party on the 13th??? it’s our annual white elephant and some will be wearing horrible sweaters. you can knit in front of the fire, i will make you bacon and give you cheetos and a cosmo. and beene can love on you….what do you say??
email me, bullmastiffg@yahoo.com! fo sho!