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huh.

so, today? i was gonna talk about something kinda funny. but then, farrah fawcett died. and then, michael jackson died.

i’ll be hiding in my room for the rest of the day. because, clearly, death is knocking out the crazy.

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yeah. oh, and there will be a little bit of swearing today. just so you know.

so, it’s been kinda hot here in the northwest. z, mr sparkles and myself decided to visit a place called wild waves, located about two-and-a-half hours north of home base. to be more specific, i said, hey, let’s go to a winery. mr sparkles said, i kinda want to get wet. i said, what about that place off I-5 in washington? he looked it up online, and we bought tickets.

now, this is important. i asked mr sparkles, do they have their hours of operation on the site? just check to make sure they’re open and everything. he said, yeah yeah. of course they are.

that’s called foreshadowing.

anyway, we buy three tickets for saturday. we drive up to beautiful federal way, washington. which really is a beautiful area. we get there around three in the afternoon, because it’s freakin’ saturday and, as a group, we decided to sleep in. we manage to get off the freeway and find our way to the entrance. which is no small feat. because, even though you can see the park from the freeway, there are no signs. there’s no real easy way to get from point A to point B. we end up driving through a residential area, with z and mr sparkles in the front seat going, should we just pull over and knock on someone’s door? then there’s me in the back, with my knitting, saying, it’s gotta be a few more blocks that way, and pointing. i’m right, but still. there really should be signs.

so. we get there, we pull up to the parking kiosk. where we’re told the park is closed for a private function.

awesome!

basically, according to the parking dude (who is maybe 16, and acne is fighting world war III on the kid’s face. mean, yes, but i’m still a little bitter about all this), a church organization has rented the entire park for an event, and we have to have special tickets. meaning, we’d have to buy new tickets. we can still come in, but the tickets we’ve already bought are not valid for this special event. parking dude said the event is listed on the calendar on the website.

i reach over and hit mr sparkles. i told you to check, i said.

we’ve come all this way, so we park. we go up to the ticket booth. there’s a lady standing there with a bunch of tickets. she tells me she just has too many, and will gladly sell us three of them. we buy them and head in. our tickets bought online were $35 per. the tickets from the very nice lady – whom i referred to as “a scalper for christ” – were only $20 per. not as bad, but still. we’re still grumbling a little while we walk over to a roller coaster and get in line. we ride the roller coaster, and it’s awesome. as we’re getting off, we notice the ride is shutting down. mr sparkles goes over and asks one of the roller dudes why it’s closing. roller dude says, oh, all the rides are closing in 15 minutes for the bands.

i… we… wait, what? closing the park for jesus time? what?

yeah, he says. the church group brought all these christian bands, and they’re gonna play for the next four hours. so, they’re closing all the rides. he shrugs. the church paid a lot of money to do this, so that’s what they’re doing.

we drove nearly three hours and paid $55 to ride one roller coaster.

upset is too bland a word for how we felt. mr sparkles stalked off to find a smoking area, while z and i headed to guest services. i let her yell at some poor lady behind a desk while i sat outside watching people. the jesus people seemed to have no concept of personal space. they’d walk by, and step on my feet. it’s not like i have super long legs, or i was stretched out across the walkway. i’m pretty much short and visually unobtrusive. and yet… i was trampled.

also? i try really hard not to judge people’s bodies. we have too many body issue-related diseases and disorders in this culture of ours for me to be casually making fun of someone’s thighs, you know? however. i believe there should be some common sense. like, if you can’t see your toes, maybe you shouldn’t be wearing a string bikini.

i’m just saying, is all.

so, z vents her frustrations, and gets free passes for us to come again. no apology, no real refund. on the plus side, z’s buying our passes from us, and taking her kids on another weekend. they’ll totally enjoy it. and while i’d kind of like to go another time, i feel a little burned by the jesus people. and yeah, on the way back to the car, i said, dudes, jesus ruined our saturday.

and yet, that’s not the end of the story.

getting back on the freeway is even more complicated than getting off the freeway. we drive around looking for an onramp going north or south. there is nothing we can see. there are no signs to suggest there are ways of getting on the freeway. we’re driving around a little burg called milton. parallel to the freeway, but not on the freeway. adjacent to and in the vicinity of the freeway, but not actually bisecting the freeway. finally, there are signs when we drive further south and leave the town of milton altogether. we’re sitting at the light, talking about the amazing lack of onramps or even helpful arrows. from the backseat, i say, fuck milton in the ass.

we all laugh.

if i were inclined to find a silver lining in all this – and i sorta am – then i’d have to say that i got some great one liners out of the whole escapade. and i got some knitting done. as i’m sitting here, i’m fighting the urge to head over to zazzle and make shirts that say,’ jesus ruined my saturday’ (the graphic would have to be a little cartoon puppy with sad eyes), and ‘fuck milton in the ass’ (as long as i’m going to hell here, this one would have to have a giant fist on it. maybe a fist with a freeway sign).

and that’s how jesus ruined my saturday. thanks for stopping by.

(snort)

so, i’ve been knitting and sweating. and crocheting little robots. oh, and having awful experiences which you’ll hear about in another day or two. right now, this is making me giggle.

this is totally something kitten would have done.

thanks for stopping by.

srsly?

have you ever actually read the product reviews at amazon? sometimes they’re helpful, sometimes they’re whiny.

sometimes they make you think, is this for real?

case in point – i was getting my gossip on over at dlisted. one post featured this photo (saved to my own compy, because i’m not a dumbass):

i howl at the moon, if you catch my drift

i howl at the moon, if you catch my drift

wolf shirt. being sold on amazon. with the most amazing product reviews. as i was reading, i kept thinking, is this a joke? did i just get hyperlinked to the onion’s website? i laughed so loud i snorted. i may have peed a little.

a sample:

So, when wearing this shirt, I noticed that I immediately received all powers of the planeteers, superspeed, invisibility, flight, and the ability to turn woodchucks into gold.

The problem is the powers only occur when I think about happy thoughts. I later found out that Peter Pan made the shirt so it makes a lot of sense. I think that the manufacturer would specify this.

-1 star cause it fades easily in the wash.

go read all the crazy goodness over there. i’m really glad that amazon doesn’t really monitor the product reviews too closely.

thanks for stopping by. be on the lookout for golden woodchucks.

here’s the thing. i love living in the portland area. there is so much lunacy to be had. there are drag queens, yarn shops, and strange eateries scattered all about the area code.

but, what we don’t have? erik’s deli.

during my high school years, i lived in santa cruz, california. a lovely pocket of nuttiness, where i’m still convinced all the hippies go to die. i’m not being mean, i’m just saying. it’s a very mellow area, and it’s a beautiful pocket of landscape. also, they have these signs at the city limits that say “santa cruz is a nuclear-free zone”.

i wish i had pictures to prove it.

one of the great things about santa cruz – i mean, besides living so close to the ocean that i could hear the waves crashing at night in my bedroom – were the delis. there were a fair few awesome delis. we had togo’s, dharma’s cafe (which used to be called mcdharma’s, but they changed it because of that other mc-place giving them the serious side eye), and that little place around the corner from our house, to name a few. as an aside, the place around the corner from our house? really good food. but one of the guys in the back? gave me the straight-up creeps. he always wore his apron. even while waiting for the bus. and he would stare you down. i’m sure he was a nice guy who treated his pets really well, but he freaked my teenage self out.

anyway.

erik’s is awesome. they have amazing food. their menu items have amazing names (seriously, you can order a knuckle sandwich there. it’s cream cheese, salami and sprouts on dark russian rye. sooooo good). it was all healthy. they had the best brownies in the universe. and if you ate there, your drink came in a mason jar. i don’t think erik’s could have happened anywhere else. although, technically, their first place was in scott’s valley. but that’s right up the freeway from santa cruz, and it totally counts.

i bring this up because tonight i was at my yoga class. and the instructor and i were talking about favorite sandwiches. she mentioned this amazing-sounding concoction she’d sweet-talked a bar cook into making her. there was bacon, cheese, avocado and tomato in a pita pocket. it sounded so good. and it made me think of my favorite sandwich at erik’s, the natural high. when i told her about this sandwich, she asked, where do they make that? it sounds fabulous. i sighed and said, at erik’s. in santa cruz. i’d love a natural high, with a berry calistoga to drink.

portland has failed me. and through no fault of its own. there’s nothing that comes close to that here, at least in my opinion. i was even looking around on their website. thinking, please let them have a deli in yreka (pronounced why-reek-a). that’s just across the oregon-california border. i can go there on friday. sadly, they haven’t left the bay area.

my point is this. if you live in the vicinity of an erik’s… dude, you’re so lucky. if you have no idea what i’m talking about… dude, you’re missing out. if you’re looking for a franchise to start in oregon… dude, give erik a call. he’ll hook you up.

basically, i’m just hungry. thanks for stopping by.

words on words

i haven’t talked about books in awhile, have i? let’s do that.

snuff

snuff – chuck palahniuk. i love me some chuck. he tells these amazing stories about damaged people. this one is about a lady porn star’s attempt to get into the record books by, um, “performing” with 600 men. the narrators are three of the 600 dudes, each with their own reasons for being there. it made me giggle, and it kept me interested. it’s such a strange story, and it’s told really well. also? you’ll get funny looks while reading this in a restraunt. just saying.

crass

the crass menagerie – stephan pastis. i blame moi for this. it’s a pearls before swine collection, and i’m rather hooked. there’s no real cohesive theme or anything. it’s just a comic. but it’s a good comic.

ignorance

ignorance, thy name is bucky – darby conley. again, a collection by one of my all-time favorites. seriously. i’d marry rob wilco. so… yup. total dork.

knocked

knocked out by my nunga-nungas – louise rennison. in general, i don’t think grown-ups should read books targeted to kids. i do make a few exceptions. the confessions of georgia nicolson, of which this book is the third installment, is one such exception. it’s just silly fluff. it’s like reading cotton candy. it helps that the characters are not flat and one-sided, like the young adult-books of my formative years. plus, any set of books that can tear a kid away from the televison or the internet is a good set of books, you know?

beauty

on beauty – zadie smith. this took a long time for me to finish. about a third of the way through, i kinda stopped caring about the characters. which is awful. i like the story, which centers on a scholar who loathes his scolarly subject. it fans out to his family, and their interlocking troubles. but it veered into soap-opera territory, and i just don’t roll that way.

monsters

the monsters of templeton – lauren groff. i went into this thinking i’d hate it. so it was nice to finish the book and feel satisfied that i didn’t just waste a chunk of my life on the story. the center character, willie, returns home to templeton after having an affair with her professor. while she’s home, she searches to find out who her real father is. i know it sounds trite, but it’s very good. the story twists just enough to keep you interested.

beautiful

beautiful children – charles bock. oh, man. this started out with so much promise. the first half of the book is great. the second half tried really hard to keep up, but in my opinion it just fails to deliver. one saturday night, a boy doesn’t return home. do we find out what happened to him? no. do we hear about all the events leading up to that disappearance? yes. are these details well-written? yes. do i recommend it? no.

candy

candy girl – diablo cody. so, i never saw juno. and because of all the hype around it, i hope to never see juno. having said that, i think miz cody is a good writer. she wrote this memoir before juno (i think), and it’s about her time working in strip bars and other adult establishments. it was amusing and interesting. a very good read.

save

this book will save your life – a.m. homes. read this book. it won’t save your life, but it will amuse you greatly. the main character is a stock trader that lives a very insulated life. little by little, he connects with the outside world, with bizarre results. this was the first book i read by this author, and it inspired me to go find more.

things

things you should know – a.m. homes. a collection of short stories that just wasn’t as good as the first book i read. it’s good, don’t get me wrong. a.m. homes’ strength as an author is the dialogue. it’s witty and sharp. to be honest, it takes a special writer to rock the short story. a written speed-sprinter, if you will. while homes is fast, she’s just not winning the race for me. still, a good read.

mothers

in a country of mothers – a.m. homes. clearly, i was on an a.m. homes kick for a while. and with good reason. she’s an amazing writer. and while this is (obviously) not my favorite book of hers, it was well done. a therapist who gave up her child for adoption is now counseling a woman adopted as a child. super-sharp dialogue, and good pacing. it lasted about one-and-a-half plane rides.

alice

the end of alice – a.m. homes. the awkward thing about me is, when i become obsessed with something – like an author – i don’t always take the time to read the synopsis on the back of the book. which is how i came to read a book narrated by a pedophile. it was well-written, and well-thought out. and maybe it’s just as well that i didn’t read the back of the book, you know? if i had, i probably wouldn’t have picked it up.

road

the road – cormac mccarthy. i was once describing the movie resevoir dogs to a friend, and i said, “it’s the kind of movie that slaps you around and makes you its bitch.” the same is true of this book. i finished this in three sitting. so, maybe four hours? such a good book. i’m sure the movie will be the awesome. this is also one of those books that made me want to read everything mccarthy has written. but i got sidetracked by other stuff.

boy

beautiful boy – david sheff. to be fair, i got this book by sheer accident. it was a two-book set, neither of which i intended to buy (yeah. i have no real excuse).  it’s a memoir by a father who’s son is on drugs. largely meth, but many others make a cameo appearance. it was interesting, and a little stressful. you want the son to kick his habit, but the father – an excellent journalist – points to data and studies that show sobriety is not a bright hope. informative and heart-wrenching all at once. the other book in the set is written by the addicted son. so, that should be interesting.

demon

the outlaw demon wails – kim harrison. this is the, what? sixth book in this series? i like the characters, clearly. i like the writing, obviously. and yet… the whole time i was reading this, i was rolling my eyes. thinking, really? this is the road you’re going to take here? could you be a little more obvious? it’s a witch, she hunts bad guys, there’s a demon after her. lather, rinse, repeat. i’m going to read the next book when it comes out, but still.

middlesex

middlesex – jeffrey eugenides. this was recommended to me by a few people. so, when i saw it on the discount table, i decided it was a sign. first, i read eugenides book the virgin suicides, and i didn’t like it. but, i did read a book called ‘a boy named sue’ forever ago, and that was fascinating and amazing. at least, i’m pretty sure it was called ‘a boy named sue’; i can’t find it anywhere. it was about a boy who was raised as a girl due to a circumcision accident (now, that’ll make the guys wince for sure). s/he was a twin, so researchers were all atwitter to study these two to learn some stuff about gender. what they learned was, you’re born a certain way, usually, and your hormones tend to keep you that certain way. all of this related to middlesex, because the narrator is ultimately a hermaphrodite (i shudder to think about the searches that are going to bring people here after this episode, i tell you. porn stars, pedophiles, strippers, and… cartoons. this can’t be good, y’all). he – the narrator – starts with the story of his grandparents, and his parents. now, i’m only about a third of the way through, but it’s awesome so far. go read it.

this isn’t a comprehensive list. i’m sure i’ve forgotten about a few books. and i’ve left out the ones i’ve re-read for fun (i’m looking at you, mr sedaris. and mr dostoevsky). but, you know, it’s the season now to sit in the yard with a frosty beverage and read a book. so… there’s that. pick up some sunscreen next time you’re at the store.

thanks for stopping by.

so, sunday?

i swear. sunday, just before noon

i swear. sunday, just before noon

went to the snow. IN FREAKING MAY. sorry, but this blows my mind. people skiing/ snowboarding/ snowshoeing/ what-have-you in… may. clearly, i’m not from around here.

also? about 30 minutes later?

same time zone, same day.

same time zone, same day.

perfect sunny weather. this seriously blows my mind. and, all about 30-45 minutes from my house. while i was enjoying that beautiful weather, i saw this:

that sound is me giggling at a toilet

that sound is me giggling at a toilet

best. obey. ever.

thanks for stopping by.